I am an older man and I feel like life is slipping away. I have fought with mental and physical illness, alcoholism, and addiction most of my life. My monster is a paper I'm writing for myself. It’s an attempt to make sense of where I am at this point in my life. And the impact both positive and negative, I have had on others. My monster represents the feelings, fears, and motivations that have guided me on my path. I find myself sometimes ashamed of things I have done or people I have hurt. Memories I had long forgotten are coming in waves and flooding the pages. I'm having trouble keeping the paper in chronological order and find myself almost manic trying to get it out onto paper before I lose my train of thought. If I think about the events, I can examine them and the effect they had on me. I'm not trying to write a children’s book. This is not a paper for an assignment that will be handed in and graded. It is just for me to understand the points where things went wrong and lead to where I am now. An opportunity to understand why and come to grips with how it affected others. Currently its about 14 pages long and I am only up to about my 16th birthday. So, why would I post this info? Bare my ass like this? Because perhaps occasionally a close friend will ask about it. To keep me interested in the project so I don’t just quit without finishing it as I have with so many other things. And perhaps someone else will find something here on the site and get some help? They might come to understand that alone it is very difficult to manage depression and the things it brings into our lives.

The dog in my story and on this site represents the black dog of depression. This term was brought to the forefront by a writer named Matthew Johnstone. I understand his 2006 book “Living with a Black Dog: His Name Is Depression” is a good read. Originally Winston Churchill, who was a depression sufferer for much of his life, nicknamed this condition "Black Dog." The Monster and star of the site I guess is mostly me. a manifestation of all the wrong or bad choices I have made and the campaigns that I would rally those in my circle of influence at the time to join. He also represents the occasionally shady dealings and deeds that would lead to an end point. A supposed payout or windfall of some sort. The shortcuts and scams that seemed so justifiable at the time. The dark side of myself that I was only too quick to embrace. And those I have harmed? It was rarely ever physical. I would gravitate to a mental attack of sorts. To put a person into a situation that they might have to go back on a promise or depart from their beliefs. I might be forcing them to choose me over something more important or dear to them. Perhaps all of this is part of my illness? The delusions of grandeur that sometimes lead me astray and the voice in my head whispering lies, skewing my perception? The paranoia that occasionally takes over and pushes me in a specific and detrimental direction? The honest answer is I don’t know. Im too close to the problem. I am way too involved in the process. Mabey the only persons life I impacted in any notable way was my own. It could be that all the perceived damage done to others was nothing at all. Just a journal in my head full of wrong entries and half-truths. I am the easiest person for me to deceive. I have lied to myself before about things both large and small. For a multitude of reasons and I found myself able to justify them often. I have sabotaged myself so many times in the past. I would derail any chance that might lead to success. At this point I just don’t know what to believe or who to ask for counsel. Is it possible that everyone feels this way and im just suppose to keep all this under my hat? Some of the time the best thing to do or say is nothing. Is this one of those times? I think I will work on my paper for a while longer to see if any answerers come to me. Thanks for visiting my site.

 Who is the real Monster?